I love this quirky little how-to clip, mostly because the audio doesn’t match up to the video, making poor Leila look like she needs her own mandated visit to the house of corrections. But I can relate to Leila and her message, and I’m willing to admit that I stumbled upon this video in a moment of desperation, when I was brainstorming different approaches to this question of encouraging solid eye contact in oral communicating.
As most of us have probably discovered by now, when we’re providing feedback on speeches, merely repeating “you need to make more eye contact” doesn’t do the trick. (And really, why should it?) Most of the speakers we work with know full well that eye contact is something they should shoot for—they’ve seen this on speech evaluation forms and read about it dutifully in their Intro to Public Speaking class way back when. But if they commit this same “offense” in every presentation they make—staring at the PP screen, or at the floor, or at their hands, or note cards—when does the practice actually come in?
And, just as importantly, how do we invigorate our own approach to this thorny delivery snag? Some days, “make more eye contact” becomes the easy go-to, that dull phrase you know you’ll probably say before the student even begins. But isn’t commenting on eye contact just another way of saying that they didn’t make a connection with their audience? If we wanted to get all Eckhart Tolle on this post, we could extend it into the idea of being fully present (which has plenty of resonances in actor training). We all know how magical it can be when someone gives really great eye—that mixture of confidence, care, and connection– but how is it best learned?
I’ve tried a few new things in my recent quest to investigate the power of the Connecting Eyes. In the classroom, I’ve become more emboldened to push away the chairs and try out some of the better eye contact exercises that I know of, forcing people to get used to going eyeball-to-eyeball. Some of these exercises transform the room into a sort of communications gym class, which is a little hard to get used to, but not a bad thing at all. Does this have more successful outcomes in student performance? Hard to tell, exactly. But it certainly increases comfort and community among the students.
And during my BPL sessions with student groups, I’ve changed my approach. Instead of allowing the students to run through their entire presentations before I provide my feedback, I now occasionally stop them mid-stream, prompting them to re-do an entire section, this time focusing on, say, sustained eye contact. I know some of you out there have run your practice sessions like this for quite a while, but I’m just now catching on to its real benefits. I had been skeptical of the logic of isolating one element and potentially distracting the speaker with it, but I’m now thinking of these sessions as true rehearsals; if they can’t “run through” their work multiple times, what are the chances that a pattern of poor delivery will be broken?
Yes, I agree, it is a bold and beautiful thing to “give really great eye” (Go, Hillary!), but since I have found out that whenever we maintain eye-contact, we are actually focusing on one of the other’s eyes only, I unwittingly catch myself trying to figure out if I am becoming too obvious in doing so. Of course, I become uncomfortable and in need to look away immediately! This, luckily for me, tends to happen more in one-to-one communication contexts, less often in a situation when I am addressing a group like a class.
sign of confidence. Even fewer women shake my hand with a good deal of strength, but I do not mean to veer the conversation away, again, to the unstable grounds of gender differences….
I do think that learning to use eye-contact, maintain it and interrupt it in a strategic way, has a great deal of importance in giving you the sense of authority you need as a presenter. I just cannot escape feeling how cultural this idea is, however, but I blogged about this already, and no need for repeating myself.
Another thing I am very aware of in any “communication situation,” is a handshake, though we do not train our students in shaking hands. Nevertheless, in my experience, at least, surprisingly few people have a strong handshake which, to me, is a primary (though culturally instilled!
Thank you, Hillary, for a great post and a great tip for my upcoming BPL rehearsal! I will look my students in the eye, and I will feel entitled to interrupt their presentation if I notice that they suffer from the sickness of the “wandering eye”! (They should keep that for their English lit classes – just kidding, of course, but a deal of bewildered wa/ondering I find most productive when I “teach” a literary interpretation of, let’s say, T.S. Eliot’s Prufrock.)
I know eye contact is important, but really, this woman’s non-stop eye contact is actually really disconcerting and kind of creepy. That much eye contact doesn’t say “I have knowledge” or “I am confident;” it says “I’m a psycopath.” In my experience this much eye contact is the tell-tale mark of someone trying way too hard.
But alas, cultures, and even classes within cultures, differ on this point considerably. I personally like enough eye contact to know the person is listening, but not so much that I feel like I am being scrutinized or examined.
James.
@Szidonia: About this question of handshakes– I recently HUGGED someone at the end of a meeting when I clearly probably shouldn’t have, but I was possessed by some weird HUG demon and then, after, mortified. I felt like the handshake was too formal for the occasion, but, well, the hug wasn’t right either.
And you’re right that these questions are very much cultural; when I looked back at your older post on this, you mentioned something that was perhaps lurking behind mine– that vague frustration at not being able to take each student on an individual level, in terms of their own challenges & approaches & obstacles in this & other arenas.
@James: Too much eye contact = creepy; I totally concur.