My husband and I are expecting our first child this June. I’m in the home stretch – only 3-4 weeks to go! Once we started telling family and friends the news, invariably the first question after the congratulatory wishes was “Are you finding out the gender?” When I got to the point where strangers could recognize that I was pregnant, it was always the same question, “Do you know what you’re having?”
The answer to these inquiries is no, we’re waiting for the surprise. Most people respond by saying, “That’s great” or “That’s cool” or “Good for you for waiting!” I’m not sure if that’s really what they’re thinking, but it’s what they say. Except for my mother, of course, who tells me straight up that she would have preferred for us to find out the sex so that she (and others) could buy gender-appropriate clothing and accessories for the baby shower.
It doesn’t bother me when people ask the gender question. I generally do it myself when I find out someone is pregnant. If it was just up to me, I may have actually found out the baby’s sex, but my husband is more of a traditionalist and was all about the surprise. Now that I’ve made it this far along without knowing, I’m happy we waited. It gives me something to look forward to after the hard work of labor and delivery.
Many people have commented that waiting until a baby is born to find out the gender is the “last great surprise!” or like “being a kid on Christmas morning.” But perhaps it’s even more than that. We live in a world where information is king. Anything we could possibly want to know is seemingly at our fingertips, just a Google or Wikipedia away. When email became too slow for communicating with friends and family, we moved to instant messages, then Facebook and now Twitters. Even if we don’t use these so-called new media, it’s almost impossible to escape the information blitz of multiple cable news channels or talk radio. It’s hard to keep anything a surprise in this age of information and instant gratification.
Baby “R,” however, will be a surprise to us and the many friends and family who are anxiously awaiting his/her arrival. Sure, it’s only a 50/50 shot one way or the other, but it’s still pretty exciting. We’ll send out the emails and IMs once the baby is born, and maybe even start a family Blog. But until then, we’ll enjoy these last few weeks of not knowing … a precious commodity in today’s world.
What I find is interesting is how people mix up gender (socially constructed) and sex (biology) while having these conversations. (Wouldn’t it be fun to say, “We’re having a boy, but we plan to raise him as a girl.”) Is it so hard to utter the word sex when it doesn’t refer to sexuality?? (Apparently, yes.) Anyway, best wishes for a smooth birth and happy little person and for not too much information too early on!
That’s a good argument for waiting, Kate. We didn’t have the willpower to do that with our first (a girl) or our second (a boy, coming in July)… there was enough delayed gratification for me wrapped up in writing a dissertation (and for my wife, waiting for her husband to finish grad school), and our sense was that it would be enough of a surprise just to meet the little one that its sex ultimately didn’t matter.
Bonnie’s point is a good one, as well. Frankly, I struggle with gender issues when it comes to my daughter; our culture and the messages she’s bombarded with impose a certain brand of femininity on her that I find objectionable. Why have so many people assumed that from birth her default affinities have been for pink Dora/froufrou Princess shit? Yes, she likes some of that, but I don’t think she came to it herself… it came to her, and we do all we can to expose her to other, balancing influences.
At times I feel that I am reacting against my inability to shape and control those messages, and remind myself that gender doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. I also am curious and excited to see if I will be as protective of my son against the imposition of the overly macho masculinity so valued in our society. I expect to learn a lot about myself and masculinity in the process. Ultimately, I have enough faith in the strength and diversity of perspectives of the people with whom we surround our kids that I know they will become adults who are well-rounded enough to think about gender critically and openly.
And… good luck, and congrats, to you and your husband! Send pics!
Congrats Kate. You must be a very patient person. I am with Luke on this: I could not take the anticipation and wait. Or maybe I am just a product of information society: I want to know it all, and I want it now. Good luck and keep us posted!
Thanks for the well wishes! Bonnie does make a good point, as I had some trouble myself while writing the piece in terms of deciding when to use “sex” vs. “gender.” In the end I decided to not get too caught up in it and sort of used them inter-changeably.
And Luke it correct that there is SOOO much baby clothes and gear out there that is gender specific. Since we don’t know the baby’s sex, I picked some “neutral” colored bedding – a cute safari pattern with monkeys, giraffes and elephants in earth tones. But of course some ladies at my shower thought it was still too “boyish” and made recommendations that if I have a girl I could hang some pink ribbon off the mobile! If anyone has gone shopping in a baby or toy store lately they might notice the same thing. There are clearly “boy” clothes and toys and “girl” clothes and toys … and according to my mother it’s a lot harder to get a cute gender neutral baby outfit then it was even just 10 years ago when my sister had her first baby (and didn’t know the sex).
It seems reflective of this American economy of consumption, which thankfully may finally be changing as well. We’re encouraged to buy all this blue or pink stuff for our child, and then if you happen to have a second or third baby of a different gender (e.g., Luke) then you’re almost forced to go out and get new stuff. After all, they don’t call the store “Buy, Buy, Baby” for nothing! But don’t worry Luke, I’m sure your son will be alright with Dora!
When it comes to kids, the idea that their genitalia could be the “last great surprise” is rather wonderfully innocent. There are so many surprises in store.
We did learn that our child was female while she was in the womb, but we preferred to tell people that we were expecting a daughter, rather than “a girl.” As a butch/femme lesbian couple, we knew that her gender identification could end up just about anywhere on the spectrum. As she approaches 3 years, she is definitely into the frou-frou princess shit, but I’m not so sure that it came to her like a contagion. She gets up and sees one mom wearing pants and ties to work, and another in skirts and lipstick. I feel the collective anxiety about railroading children into gender roles, and I share those feelings. But as someone who has struggled to embrace her own femininity, I don’t want to devalue femininity, either.
Lisa: great to have you commenting here! And, if the princess vibe didn’t come like a contagion, does that mean you or your partner have royal lineage?
I do agree though that there has to be SOMEthing internal to my daughter’s desire…. Frankly, I’d just be a lot happier if there were some unshapely Disney princesses. For the time being, we’ll just have to accept this as “progress.”
Definitely not royal. Oh, the “where did it come from” question. As a feminist thinker, I come squarely from the social constructionist school of thought, so I struggle to articulate that other path that walks between determinism and free choice.